Change Will Do You Good..

Changing yourself is absolutely possible if you put in the time and effort while adjusting to a new lifestyle and freeing yourself from your pain. It takes true courage and strength to look within yourself and realize that patterns of behavior and instant reactions aren't serving us any good. DO NOT RUN FROM THIS, YOU NEED TO BREAK THIS CYCLE!! AND Don't let anyone tell you any different either!

First step is admitting what you are experiencing inside your body when you are triggered as a traumatic response. It can be a number of things that your body physically goes through: increased heart rate, hyperventilation, freezing in the moment with no response, panic, shaking, sweating profusely, wanting to run away, wanting to yell scream and fight, word vomit of things you can't even process rationally, shutting down, anger, breaking things, etc. You legit find yourself in a state of

'What the fuck is happening to me right now?!" (Because we all know once this settles down physically in our body and we are thinking rationally we look back in disgust.) The physical response that you have is your own individual response, not everyone is the same and not everyone is easily triggered by the same things. Recognizing when you feel yourself in the fight, flight or freeze mode is how you are going to determine your NEW response, not your reaction. Please also keep in mind, there is no need to ever compare yourself or allow someone else to compare you to themselves or others in specific situations, there is no right or wrong here.

It's going to suck, believe me, but you've got to sit with this shit, process it and really recognize where you have been wrong in your previous REACTIONS. Your response should come next once you realize the physical response and not a reaction. You will regret it. Some of us feel as if we don't act out right now, get our point across, say what we need to say or do what we need to do then this is the end all. There's no other chance than right here and now. I call BULLSHIT! Guilty of this and regretfully feeling the shame. You are so much better off walking away for a few minutes to calm your body down, get your mind and body thinking and functioning together before you decide to approach what just happened. No you aren't crazy or a psycho, you just have been living in your survival mode for far too long and have not come to terms with what's really going on deep down.

Our behaviors are our natural instincts, that we have learned long ago and they are automatic responses sometimes out of our control. You find yourself lost in your thoughts, triggered by something around you, a person, something that was said, the environment, a familiar situation or whatever your trigger is and you soar off in your own mind as your body responds in ways that you can't control. Until you finally recognize what's happening and change your responses and control your behaviors, this will always continue to happen.

One of the most upsetting aspects of this all is that the people surrounding you, can't comprehend what's happening to you, Hell! You can't either! And it's not just a simple "Let that shit go already or why are we back here again?" It can be detrimental for you and your loved ones because everyone is confused as to what's happening, why it's happening and how do you stop this shit? The simple phrase of "That's just me, this is how I am, deal with it" is absolute horse shit! You know it! You know deep down there's something that's eating you alive and whether you can figure that out or not, you have got some work to do my friend. The only person that needs to deal with you is you at the end of the day. Don't point that blame on anyone but yourself. I carried that weight around for so long, used the same excuses, felt like I was a lost cause, like i was underserving of things, this is how I was always going to be and there was no changing that in that moment.

Once that moment is over, now you have to sit with your shit. Now you can sit and think about what just happened and if you are okay with how you reacted and lost your shit by then all means that's on you. But if you sit there and beat yourself up inside thinking, "What the fuck? What's wrong with me? Am I normal? Am I just damaged as a person? Who the fuck says/does that? This can't be how I am always going to be? Will they forgive me? Do they believe how I truly feel? Do people think I'm crazy? Will people still love me? Are they going to judge me?" The questions you ask yourself will go on and on until you really recognize what's actually going on with you. This is not going to be easy, you really need to dig deep down into yourself, your past, your memories, the things you suppress, your experiences...all of it. Find out where this shit is stemming from and really start to recognize what YOU NEED TO DO TO CHANGE YOU.

A new you is on the horizon if you put in the work to really face your fears, be vulnerable, let down that guard you hold up so high and tight, and finally be your true self. Don't live in fear anymore, be open to the pain you've held onto for so long and setting it free. You have one life, give yourself to chance to live freely and 100% vulnerable. It's okay, I promise you it is safe outside your walls.

Here's a little educational excerpt from what I call, the book of my breakthrough on understanding myself finally (The Body Keeps The Score):

"If elements of trauma are replayed again and again, the accompanying stress hormones engrave those memories ever more deeply in the mind. Ordinary, day-to-day events become less and less compelling. Not being able to deeply take in what is going on around them makes it impossible to feel fully alive. It becomes harder to feel the joys and aggravations of ordinary life, harder to concentrate on the tasks at hand. Not being fully alive in the present keeps them more firmly imprisoned in the past."

Learn to live in the present and break the vicious cycle you keep repeating.

Be Kind. Be Authentic. Always choose love.